I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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