There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize