Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
