The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
