I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
