...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
