you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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