So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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