You smell like stripper and shame
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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