If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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