This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
