I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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