I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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