just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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