What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
