I have demons in me.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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