I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
