I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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