I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
