dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
