I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
