hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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