worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
