47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize