I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Randomize
