Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
