I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
