when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
