I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
