Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
