the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
