I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
