I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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