bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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