I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
