Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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