if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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