It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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