my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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