so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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