At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
