i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
