I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
