Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Enjoy the penises
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
