I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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