eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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