We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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