Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
