I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
