I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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