i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
