your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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