I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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