Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
