I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
